I just figured it out - apparently it has to be within if ($hook == 'page') {} in order to work. As soon as I put it in there (where the page_title module code lives) it worked.
if ($hook == 'page') { if (module_exists('page_title')) { $vars['head_title'] = page_title_page_get_title(); $tit = page_title_page_get_title(); if($tit == "Photo Gallery | Timberpeg"){ $vars['head_title'] = "HAR HAR HAR!"; } else if($tit == "News & Events | Timberpeg"){ $vars['head_title'] = "HAR TOO!!!"; } } }
Not maintainable and not recommended, but will get me through this hurdle. If anyone has a better suggestion I'm still open to it as this is not the best idea.